The myth of the productive parent
Aren't we supposed to be uber efficient? Feeling off balance and failing at multitasking, I turned to Twitter for some answers.
My Nana used to say “if you want something done, ask a Mum.” I didn’t get this until I spent the first few years of parenthood also running a new business. It finally clicked. Yes, I had indeed excavated multitasking abilities I never knew I had! I could feed a baby to sleep on one knee and bang out some copy with my laptop perched on the other. I could WhatsApp a sleep consultant, while also researching for a blog. I could (and did) soundtrack every call with the unmistakable whirr of the breast pump. Getting at least two things done at once became my MO. I was unstoppable. Someone get me all the merch because “I’m a Mum, what’s your superpower?”
I came crashing down hard. No amount of “you got this, Mama” motivational cups of coffee could make me a productive powerhouse on 20 minutes of sleep. Then there was the tiny dictator who competed fiercely with my hard-won clients day in, day out. Sure, I could focus for a short while and get some work done. But I really needed to plan those tasks with military precision. And my work was far from perfect. And I never got to hang out with my husband because those evening hours were ideal for flow work. But my clients seemed happy and it would get easier. Right? This too shall pass?
Not exactly. My baby became a toddler with a death-wish, then a preschooler with a million questions triggered by the sound of me opening my laptop: “I need a weeeee”, “can I eat this battery?” or the latest “why won’t you PLAY WITH MEEEEE”. And now there was a new baby in the mix. Mama, I had not got this.
Scrolling on Twitter the other day, I stumbled on a thread that promised some answers. A fellow working parent had posed the question that I’d be grappling with for so long:
“Parents, how do you do it? How do you get work done? Share your #1 productivity tip”
I dove in, pen poised, eager to learn the one key hack I was clearly missing. Here follows some nuggets of wisdom I noted down:
“Don’t have kids.”
“Sleep is optional.” “Wake up at 4am.” “Power naps.” These suggestions plus other variations on a morning routine that would rival Mark Wahlberg’s.
“Screen time.”
“Childcare.” Pay for it or split it with your partner. Live near grandparents or hire a housekeeper. Actually, you’ll need all of the above.
“Seriously, you shouldn’t have had kids unless they can be your priority.”
“Learn to focus in the midst of chaos.”
“Accept that your best work won’t get done for years to come.”
As I scrolled, I began to feel increasingly angry. I felt protective of the OP*, who was doing her best to reply breezily to advice such as “breathe through the pain and exhaustion” (this was someone’s actual advice).
I felt angry because so many of these options are not available to many of us. Some are feeding through the night and so setting the alarm clock for 4am is just unthinkable. Some don’t have family down the road to muck in. Basic affordable childcare is the holy grail in the UK, where 62% of families say that daycare costs the same or more than their rent or mortgage. One in four parents in the UK have had to cut down on food, heating or clothing just to afford the limited childcare they already have. The state of affairs has forced many parents into this very situation - a zombie-like state of part parenting, part working, because we must. These days, I rarely feel like I’m accomplishing either very well.
I also know that I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve got a flexible job and a supportive partner. I get to plan my work around my children’s schedules, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love working and, if I need to say it, I love spending time with my children. Many of the Twitter crew chimed in with “just focus on the kids” and of course they’re my priority. But that doesn’t mean I don’t despair sometimes at my seeming loss of productivity and, to some extent, ambition. I want to do my best work now. Must I come to terms with the fact that sometimes that’s just not possible? Do I ride it out and meet real self on the other side?
I’d really love to hear if you’ve cracked this, or found any solutions that work for you. Is it a case of time blocking, mindset, or both? Working late? Outsourcing the childcare? Waiting until they’re of school age? We do a combination of the above and I’m starting to think that this is as good as it gets for us. But I’d really love to hear your thoughts in the comments. As always, thank you so much for reading.
*Shorthand for Original Poster which I like to sing to the tune of Original Gangster. Maybe that’s just me.
Ah the constant working mum conundrum!
You know, only recently I accepted a few things 1) There is no such thing as balance; some days work will be more, and other days time with family will be more. Every decision to do one thing is at the sacrifice of doing something else 2) More often than not, multitasking in your work is more task-switching than anything else, so it's not as productive as you imagine it to be 3) I need to say no to more things than I'd like to. Being multi-passionate and generally curious about so many things, saying no is so hard!
I think as mums of small children who also work, what we spend our time on and when needs to be crystal clear, and we need so much discipline to stick with it. Perhaps the solution is....doing less!(?)
It's not easy at all, and I don't claim to have it all figured out. I guess everything is also constantly evolving and as our children grow and the nature of our work changes, we will be able to make room for more things.
Great piece and we are all in the same boat if that helps :)
What’s the secret!?