Were you trying for a girl?
Gender disappointment ain’t pretty - but it turns out it’s pretty common
At the time of sending this email, I am 39 weeks pregnant with my third boy. When other women (yes, it’s always women) ask what I’m having, I see them processing my news as if it’s their own. Their eyes widen. The question flashes between us - some succumb, I see others mentally bat it away.
“Were you trying for a girl?”
I was recently in a swimming pool changing room, when I asked another Mum for her tips and secrets. She’d already mentioned that she had three boys. Her words: “Don’t keep trying - you’re never getting a girl” haunted me - far more than the experience of stretching my non-maternity swimsuit over my comically-shaped bump.
No, this post isn’t about my own gender disappointment. Maybe I doth protest too much, but we really weren’t trying for a girl. Yes, I do have a list of gorgeous girl names that are good to go. It pains me slightly that I’ll (probably) never sign a Christmas card with one of those names. Similarly, there are gorgeous baby girl clothes that I’ll (probably) never wrestle onto a tiny, wriggling version of myself. But that’s honestly the extent of my disappointment, and it’s all really quite superficial - isn’t it?
Actually, recent research suggests that there are real mental health risks to having three children of the same gender, especially for the Mum if the children are girls. The data suggests that parents who have two children of the same sex are more likely to try for a third, and recommends that actually they’d be better off stopping at two. Maybe Swimming Pool Mum was onto something, but then she’d had only boys so should have been swanning around like a Queen Bee. Apparently, a Mother’s wellbeing is only at risk when there are too many other little women in the homestead, who “pose a threat to her position”. Wow.
I don’t even know what I make of this, or how any parent is supposed to react. Given that most of us don’t choose the gender of our children, it feels like yet another blow to womankind.
“Having three daughters and no sons can lead to a minor dent in mothers’ wellbeing that can take a whole decade to pass”
Nevertheless, I can’t escape the fact that I always imagined that I’d have a daughter. I lived alone with my Mum for my whole adolescence. I went to an all girls’ school, did theatre in the holidays, and my inner circle was mostly formed of girls and female teachers. As a child, I trained for Motherhood by styling the long hair of my Barbies and imagining how I’d handle my daughter’s first period.
Before you say it, I know — these feelings and Mother / Daughter tropes are totally out dated. I know that I’ll also teach my sons about periods, and style the lustrous, thick hair they’ve been blessed with (they certainly didn’t get that from me). I’ll always encourage my sons to be whoever they are, and teach them about ‘girl stuff’ regardless.
But, no matter what progress we’ve made as a society, announcing my three boys has been a wake up call. However I feel, there’s no escaping that other people are still fixated on old fashioned roles and these slip out unfiltered to unwitting pregnant people in swimming pool changing rooms.
For example, since finding out my baby’s a boy, I’ve heard variations on the following comments time and time again:
“Boys won’t take care of you when you’re old”
“You’re starting your own football team!”
“No girls means no divas in the house!”
“Are you just going to keep trying until you get a girl?”
I’ve absorbed these comments so deeply that I’ve noticed that I start to anticipate them, and I’m ashamed to admit that sometimes I bring them up before the other person has a chance. I guess I’m protecting myself against something I know is coming. Also, if I began to unpick even one of these flippant remarks, I’d be there debating for days. I reassure myself that people are just managing their own insecurities and that these comments have nothing to do with my family. But still, they cut through.
The very fact that I’m constantly asked about my unborn baby’s sex speaks volumes to me. And when I come across studies like the one mentioned above, and the comments I’ve heard, it makes me wonder what century we’re living in. Far be it for me to question scientific research, but a Mother threatened by the femininity of her daughters feels like it belongs in a Greek tragedy. Or a subplot of A Handmaid’s Tale. Blessed be the fruit…as long as it’s not another girl!
Really, haven’t we moved on? Despite the gender neutral clothes, and the efforts of bodies such as the NEU’s Breaking the Mould campaign, it seems that we still have a lot of deep-seated assumptions to correct. Am I bringing my unborn boy into a world that already has him (and me - now a bona fide “Boy Mum”) pigeon-holed?
I don’t have any answers and would love to hear about your own experiences and views, if you’re willing to share them. Small caveat - I may take a while to reply while I pop out another boy (hah!) but I’ll be craving a community so I’d be delighted to hear from you.
You know, sadly, this is such a common topic of discussion especially in Indian families and especially if you have a few girls. I have a girl and a boy so I have faced no such questions. My naïve self would like to believe that in this day and age, parents just want to experience both genders as their children - which is the innocent reason behind the question. All the best for your birth, and looking forward to connecting with you over a virtual tea when you are ready :)
Wishing you and yours all the best, Jan. Sending loads of love. xo